how to take a crap properly

So, I got a letter the other day from my city hall, saying that I need to go to my local health centre again and do more health tests, so that I'm eligible for the Japanese Health Insurance here. I wasn't too keen to submit myself to more health checks in Japan, seeing how my last medical testing involved me in the reception of a medical center, with a doctor yelling at me "You! Pee in this cup! Toilet! Now! Go!" Apparently, not understanding Japanese is kind of the same as being deaf. And that was also the day I found out that doctor-patient confidentiality isn't quite the same in Japan as it is back in Australia.

So, the next day at school, the office lady at school hands me an envelope, filled with page upon page of medical surveys. Most of which are just "tick this box if you've ever had this disease", which doesn't sound too hard. That is, until you realise you don't know what "tuberculosis", "anemia", and "urinary tract stones" are in Japanese. But meh, it's summer holidays, I've got nothing else to do at school. At least translating  the "symptoms" page and the "medical history" page will give me something to do.

Also, in the packet, I found a smaller bag two small tubes and what appeared to be to small  needles of something. Were they expecting me to do my own blood samples? Because, c'mon, I know Japan's different to home, but even that seems a little weird. So, I decided asking the librarian. (Not because librarians would be well-versed about DIY blood tests, but just because she was around, and seems friendly).

"Excuse me, what's this?"

"Oh. It's poop."

"Um.... poop?"

"Yes, when you go to the toilet, you poop. And you use this."

I opened the bag, and found a brochure giving me directions on how to do something that actually sounds quite disgusting.  Well, it would've been REALLY disgusting, if it wasn't for the cute little turd mascots showing people how to take a crap.

So apparently, before this medical test, I need to take two fecal samples. TWO. So, one two samples, two days apart. The first one, to be stored in a cool, dry place. And, seeing how this testing is in the middle of a 36-degree summer, the only cool dry place in my place has all my food and chocolate in it.

I don't think I'll be eating chocolate for a while.